Hearing your first heartbeat was sheer joy,
seeing your little face, those forming eyes

That first time we saw you, still fresh in my mind,
an image stuck in the eyes. Of you, your
future, your happiness. The endless possibilities,
You our joy.

But, it was never meant to be, your heart
stopped beating just like the first one. The one
who would have been your elder, your sibling.

You were meant to be the third, i never had
the pleasure to hold you, never had the chance.

I am sorry, i really tried as i pretended to be
brave, always trying to be strong.

Inside, i lost a part of myself
when you passed on. No heartbeat the doctor said,
i told you so, he softly chided.

Yet, can i not but try? Waited for you we did.
I have to, for your sake, your mothers and mine.

My face showed no disappointment that day, how could my
eyes weep when the heart is already dead?

I went home and cried silently on the floor, till today,
a scan of you, still in the drawer near our door.

Years passed, the scars never healed, i promised every
day i would start it anew.

Yesterday i had quite a fall, i did nothing to stop it,
sometimes i just want to end it all.

I slided out to the road and hurt myself, if i had
died then, probably just as well.

At the very least, i might be able to see you guys
again and end my nightly silent pain.

I am so so sorry, please forgive me, of you, recurring in my dreams.
Becoming your happy father i could never ever be.

Yet for the family, i have to press on, for your remaining brother, i
have to be strong.

Please wait for me, until the end of my days, to finally finish my duties
here. The day when we could all be together again.

I look forward to that day.